For the past few weeks, I've opened up a "new post" page numerous times only to close it minutes later. I can't stand staring at a blank white screen trying to wait for something to hit me in the face. Something powerful; inspiring. I just guess it's hard to write when you don't have much to say.
Or maybe I simply have so much to say that I can't put it into words. These past couple of months I've experienced a major jolt spiritually, and while this jolt is leading me in the right direction, it hasn't been easy. No m'am. God isn't who I thought He was. He isn't what I wanted Him to be; He is who He is and He isn't going to change. It's me who needed to change. To wake up and stop making my relationship with God about me - because that's exactly what I was doing. I was focusing more on the gain than the giving.
When this "jolt" began, I dug in my heels and called it quits. All that "You lead, I'll follow" stuff? Yeah, I pretty much threw that out the window. I honestly thought God went bonkers. "You want me to go where and do what?! Well, that's real dandy...but that isn't what I had in mind. So, if You'd simply turn around and take another route, I'd be much obliged."
Mhhm. It wasn't pretty.
Long story short, I finally waved that white flag of defeat and headed into that unknown place. It's been amazing and incredibly hard - a daily battle between my wants and where God's pointing. There are days when I just want to melt away because it all seems so crazy. So so crazy. Something doesn't make sense and another fight begins. A frail prayer uttered and a blessing in disguise suddenly appears. Late night talks with friends. Texts with Bible verses. The list goes on and on.
I don't want to live that comfortable life anymore. I want to run into this life full force and find meaning in all of this. Sure, I'm going to stumble and fall sometimes, but what if I stumble upon something incredible? If I simply sit on my couch of comfort, I'll never find out.
I'm not here to impress, because I care more about the One whose watching me than what others might think. Yeah, I'm different. I'm different because I'm choosing to live each day to the fullest for God instead of wasting away my college years to be cool. Hate to break it to you, but cool isn't going to get you what you want. College can either make or break you, and in the next four years I want to walk away stronger. Better.
So to put it simply, I want to be fearless.
I don't want to run and hide when the road ahead looks like Death Valley.
I don't want to argue, or doubt, or complain, or let my emotions rule me.
I want to live boldly. Passionately. Making Him my first priority for everything.
This jolt will not stand in my way. I will let it make me, not break me.
I'm going to keep running full force.
I'm going to be fearless.